On Human Sexuality

In order to understand something as common and as universal as human sexuality, we need to look to the source, we need to go back to Torah teachings. Because conventional wisdom says, that human sexuality is a natural instinct, it’s a very common and innocent human activity, it’s what happens between a man and a woman, it’s what people do, and all we need to do is relax, and enjoy,. It seems so simple.

But if it were so simple, why do we need to be told to do this? Why do we need to be reminded, over and over again that it’s natural, it’s innocent, it’s pleasurable, it’s what we do, it’s what happens - relax and  enjoy! In fact the media has bombarded us with that message for so long and in so many different ways with such ingenuity that you have to wonder why hasn’t the message been accepted? Why are we still so uncomfortable, so unsure, so mystified by our own sexuality.

In the world that G-d created there are three conditions: there is the secular, weekday, mundane condition and those are things that we have, that we may have, that belong to us that are ordinary and common. Then there are those things in the world that are so holy, that are so G-dly that are so heavenly that we don’t have them at all. We have no access to these things, they are beyond us, it’s a different realm, it’s a different plane. These two parts so far are pretty easily accepted and understood. We have what we have, we don’t have what we can’t have. That’s simple enough. What we have should make us grateful, what we cannot have should make us humble. We admit that we don’t know everything, we admit that we can never have everything, cause like the man says, where would we put it, where would we store it if we had everything. So we can’t have everything, we can’t know everything, there’s a lot to reality that is beyond our reach, may forever be beyond our reach, and that humbles us. Then there are those things which are given to us, that we have, that we possess and we should be grateful and thank G-d for those things everyday. That’s the easy stuff.

The difficult part, the challenging part, is the third dimension, which we could call “ the sacred ” that which is sanctified. Now with the sacred, although sacred means set aside, unavailable, but the sacred is not permanently unavailable, is not totally unavailable. It’s something in between what we have and what we cannot have. So the sacred is that which is holier than the ordinary, but not so holy that we can’t approach it at all. In fact, it is part of our purpose in life to attain that which is sacred, to experience that which is sacred and not to write it off as unavailable, unapproachable, unattainable. Here we can get confused. Because here things are not so clear, not so black and white.

Those things which are sacred in life are they ours? Can I have it or can I not have it? If I can have it, if it’s mine then it’s like the secular, weekday ordinary stuff. And if I can’t have it, then it’s part of  heaven and it’s unavailable. So here we have to be a little wiser than in the extremes, because in the middle we have to walk this tightrope, do this balancing act, where we experienced, we do come in contact, we make contact that which is sacred and yet at the same time, we can’t possess it. It can’t be ours.

I think most people have had an experience with sanctity. You go to a holy place. You go there but it’s a holy place. So how do you handle this? How do you handle a sacred place? How do you handle a sacred moment? Do you claim it , do you take it for your own, do you stand back in awe? How do you do this?

Many Jews have gone for the first time to the holiest sight in Jerusalem, to the Wall, for many people this was a lifelong dream, after the holocaust and so on, and they finally get there. And they are now standing at this holiest sight and what do you do? Do you make yourself at home? Do you approach the Wall, do you touch the stones, do you kiss the stones? Or, is it too holy to touch, is it too sacred to approach, and you stand back in awe, speechless? What do you do, what do you do? Well in fact you stand there and you see people approaching the Wall and kissing the stones and  putting little notes into the cracks, and so you know that that’s available, you may do that, but you do so with a certain amount of hesitation - after all, this is sacred. This is holy. I’m not holy, it is holy, I approach it with a lot of hesitation. And that is what we call awe.

Awe is not something you will never know and never experience. That’s not awesome. What’s awesome is  that which you can experience and yet cannot experience at the same time. It’s available yet unavailable. It’s touchable, yet untouchable. That’s the sacred arena, that’s the sacred dimension of life. That which we can possess is ordinary and mundane. That which we cannot possess is Divine and G-dly. That which is in-between, this sacred stuff, that’s the real challenge - that’s where we get to flex our sanctity muscles. And here’s also where we get confused. If I may approach the Wall, if I may touch the stones, how sacred can they be? How much more sacred than me if I can approach the stones?

Let’s use a simple example: G-d grants us a blessing of children. We have children. Your children, my children. But when we say my children, is that a possessive my, do I own my children? I owe them, but do I own them? Are they really mine? Of course, the answer is no, they’re not really mine, they do not belong to me. When I say “ my wife, ” is that a possessive thing? “ My husband ” means that which belongs to me? Of course not. In fact when I say “ my G-d, ” is that a possessive “ my,” - obviously not. And yet we can use a term so familiar as “ my ” in referring to these things in life - children, spouse, G-d .

In fact, when I say “ my body ” is it really mine? Am I entitled to do with my body whatever I please? Can I kill myself? Can I harm myself? The answer is no. Suicide is a sin. And even causing damage to the body, wounding the body, is a sin. Because it’s not our body. How about “ my life” “ this is my life?” Is it really mine in a possessive sense? Again the answer is no.

So these things all should be properly categorized as the sacred things in life, that which we may approach, that which we may hold but cannot own. That’s the sacred part. That’s the sanctity in life. The things, the places that we can visit, but cannot live, an experience that we can have, but cannot possess - that’s the sanctity in life. And if we’re not careful, in our arrogance, we can lay claim to things that will never belong to us, and in that way, lose the sanctity of that which properly should be treated with the awe and the respect that a sacred thing deserves.

Where does human sexuality fit in? Human sexuality is by its very nature, not by Divine decree, not by religious belief or dictate, but by its very nature, human sexuality belongs to the arena of the sacred. We experience it, but we cannot own it. We can go there, but we do not belong there. We can be sexual, but we cannot possess our own sexuality. The reason for it is very natural and very basic. Human sexuality means one person entering into the private, sacred part of another human beings existence. If we are not doing that, if we are not entering the sacred part of another human being, then we are not engaging  in sexuality. To be intimate means to go into a place that is private, that is sacred, that is set aside, that is basically, intrinsically unsharable. Because what is sharable is not intimate, and it’s certainly not sacred. Intimate and sacred mean those things which are not sharable, they are not dispensable. And yet human sexuality means that one human being enters the sacred, intimate space of another human being whether that’s physical, emotional, mental or all three.

Now that is a contradiction in terms. How can you share the unsharable? How can you enter a place of intimacy and sanctity without destroying the intimacy and without compromising the sanctity? The High Priest was meant to go into the Holy of Holies in the Temple once a year on Yom Kippur. But the Holy of Holies is not sharable. The Holy of Holies means a place that is set aside exclusively for G-d’s Presence, it’s G-d’s private chamber and private means exclusive, it means sacred. Semi-private is a fiction. It was invented by the hospitals, when they wanted to charge more than a public room, they call it semi- private. Semi-private isn’t private at all. There is no semi-private. It’s either private or it’s not. It’s either sacred or it’s not. It’s either off limits or it’s not. So if the High Priest can go into the Holy of Holies even if it’s only once a year for ten minutes - is it still the Holy of Holies? Is it still as sacred as it was before the High Priest entered it? And if you compromise that which is sacred, will it again be sacred? Or is it sacred only the first time?

This is the mystery of human sexuality. There is a way in which we approach the sacred. There’s a way in which we can participate in sanctity without compromising the sanctity, without destroying the sanctity. But it’s a delicate balance. We want to be in a place of holiness, but we have to experience that holiness as something that is really beyond our reach - something we cannot master, own, earn, deserve, acquire - we can’t. You cannot own another person’s intimacy. It’s not available. Even if the person wants to give ownership, can’t, it’s not sharable. It’s one of those things in life that G-d gives us that we cannot possess. I cannot possess my children, I cannot possess my spouse, I cannot possess my G-d, I cannot even possess my life, I certainly cannot possess the other person’s intrinsic sacred and unsharable part.

Well if it’s that unavailable, if I can’t possess, then what connection, what relationship do I have? This is the sanctity - where we can experience what we cannot own and that is why the pleasure in sex is more intense than any other pleasure. You can enjoy a good meal, you can enjoy good food and it’s great pleasure but it’s not the pleasure of sexuality because  you possess the food. It’s yours. You’re not reaching, you’re not entering into a realm that is beyond yourself, this is  yourself. You planted the vegetables, you grew them, you plucked and you ate them - they’re yours. There’s no awe involved.

The pleasure of human sexuality is that it’s a combination. It’s a combination of having and not having. It’s a combination of ordinary and other-worldly at the same time. It’s something you are granted but you cannot own and possess. And when you feel that combination, the pleasure of being in another person’s intimate space, while at the same time remembering that you don’t belong there, it’s not your place, it can never be your place - that combination of pleasure and awe, that’s what makes human sexuality different.

The key word is familiarity. With the sacred you may not, you cannot afford to become familiar. With the truly Divine, there is no danger. It is out of your reach, forget about it. With that which is  yours, which is ordinary, which is available and possessable, there’s no awe, you can become familiar, you should be familiar. Where does familiarity breed contempt? Where is familiarity really destructive and unwelcome? In sanctity. If we lose the feeling of awe concerning a sacred place, then we’ve compromised that sanctity. If we lose the feeling of awe concerning a relationship with a spiritual leader, with the Moses of our generation, then we have compromised the sacred. If we lose our awe for the times and the days that are holy, then we have compromised that sanctity. If you become too familiar with the intimacy of another person’s life, whether again physical, emotional or mental, then we have compromised the sanctity - it’s a sacrilege, we are mistreating, we are abusing something delicate and that is a violation.

And that’s why sex and violence are so closely related. Because if  human sexuality does not contain an element of awe, if we are not conscious of the fact that we have just entered deep waters, beyond our depth, beyond our league, if we are becoming familiar with it, then we are violating it. So there is a very thin line between sexuality and violence. Because without the respect, with a little bit of familiarity, what was human sexuality becomes a violation of the other person’s sanctity.

To avoid the familiarity, to maintain a healthy awe for the other person’s sanctity and intimacy - that’s the magic of sexuality. So what was sex in the past, for our grandparents, for our great-grandparents? Sex was a sacred thing. The relationship between a mother and father, between a husband and wife was restricted to behind closed doors. It was sacred thing that you don’t squander, you don’t share, you don’t cheapen by becoming familiar - not even in speech. That’s why our grandparents could not talk about their relationship. That would be too familiar. You don’t call your parents by their first name because that would be too familiar. We don’t use G-d’s name in vain because that would be too familiar. Our grandparents would not speak of a sacred subject, certainly not casually, and even when necessary, you could feel the tension, the awe, because…how do you make so light of a subject that is so sacred. That’s what it was.

What it is? Today for most people human sexuality is something you are supposed to become familiar with, something we claim to be already familiar with, something we are ashamed to admit that we are not familiar with. So we have taken the sanctity away from it. We used to think that our parents were keeping some kind of a secret, that sex was a secret that adults did not want to share with children. Well, we found out what the secret is, and it’s not a secret anymore. Now we don’t  understand why our parents and grandparents persist in treating as a secret as if we don’t know what that secret is. And so we remove the secrecy.

We’ve become very comfortable with the subject. We’ve become very casual with the subject. We’ve made it into something that is ours to have, ours to take, ours to own and enjoy. And it’s not working. It’s not working. It was never meant to be a secret, it was meant to be sacred. But we’ve forgotten what sacred means, and we no longer consider it a secret. So it’s neither sacred nor secret, what is it? That’s why it’s not working. And that’s why the media can continue to bombard us with these brilliant subtle messages of the naturalness of human sexuality, and it’s not working.

Because the truth is, the truth is, that sex is a sacred thing, and that’s the only way it works is when you treat is with sanctity. And as soon as you introduce a little bit of familiarity into the bedroom, you destroyed it, you’ve ruined it, because that’s not what sex is. Sex is something we don’t do. Sex is something that is not ours, and yet available to us. That’s the magic. Sex is something we don’t talk about. So we’re not talking about sex. We’re not talking about it. We are learning to understand it. Because we don’t discuss sacred subjects lightly.

So the humor, the jokes, the casualness, the flippancy with which we try to be cool about the subject is really so unnatural - that’s unnatural. What is natural? When you see an elderly couple who have been married fifty, sixty, seventy  years, and they are still a little bashful with each other, they still blush with each other, that’s sanctity, that’s human sexuality and that is enviable, that’s enviable.

And the magic of it all is that even if we haven’t treated our sexuality with the sanctity that it deserves, even if we have been mistreating it, abusing it, violating it, for fifty years, we can reclaim that sanctity almost instantaneously. You start to treat human sexuality with the sanctity that it deserves and it immediately regains its holiness. Because the holiness is not a figment of our imagination. It is not that we make it sacred, it is by nature sacred, and all we have to do is treat the way it needs to be treated, and then it is what it is.

And that’s why therapists often advise couples who are having problems in their intimate lives, they advise the couples to not touch each other for two weeks, and then come back for continued treatment. And not touching each other for two weeks somehow puts things back on track - that sanctity - don’t touch, it’s not yours - that puts everything back.

 And the Torah gives us that advice for free. Don’t touch each other for two weeks out of every month, the Torah says. Just to remind us, just to enforce the fact that you cannot own another person’s intimacy and when you are invited, you are there with a certain amount of awe.

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